Must be something in the water these days – PoC’s becoming more on board with the ever-wailing ponytailed pygmy that is Ariana Grande. She’s previously been nothing more than a footnote in the pop music cannon – and I’m sure this change of heart has absolutely nothing to do with her stellar performance in Scream Queens.
Anyway, I digress. The song Into You is a PoC certified club banger which naturally means it requires some investigation.
Well, at PoC, you’ll be pleased to know I ain’t clickbaiting (as we make no dollah from your clicks) so I’ve watched (almost) all of the performances and, knowing what you bubblebutts like, here’s the T on our favourite leading ladies’ performances.
No poppers necessary. Enjoy.
Here’s a list of our favourite singles from this year, 2014. Not just any list, and HEAVEN FORBID not a list that relies on chart positions, sales or number of times each song appeared on The X Factor (that award goes to Beneath You’re Beautiful by pissing Sandé and Labrinth – we refuse to spell it incorrectly).
Whilst we’ve heavily documented the highs and lows (more latter than former) of 2014 AND consolidated them rather handily for you over here, we’re delighted to announce that Ed Sheeran had the lowest selling #1 of the year, so there’s something to be joyful about… The ginger twat.
This song is only here as a record of technological advancements. This was the first #1 after ‘streams’ of a song were included in its chart placing. Just more proof that the English music-buying public are idiots, but there you go. Don’t you dare say we never strive for Serious Music Journalism.
It’s nothing you’ll not have heard before, but Rita is so particularly ordinary that it’s a relief to see her be extraordinary sometimes. This time, she was EXTREMELY extraordinary, so I guess she can be forgiven for being an utter twat.
As close to Halo as we’re going to get this year, I’m afraid. It would’ve placed higher if it actually reached some PoC-tastic climax but I doubt she really cares what we think at this stage in the game…
Despite that atrocious cover on The X Factor, this is a pretty decent tune, and the decision for some has-been to cover this shouldn’t be held against Sigma and/or Paloma Faith.
OF COURSE Riri’s only foray into the charts would make it onto our ‘best of’ list, wouldn’t it. This song is half-genius, half-fucking mess. We loved/hated it with equal measure – the ska rhythms and rock’n’roll choruses were at odds with each other but really, it worked quite well. We still can’t get our heads around the weird title (maybe it sounded better in Spanish) but it was certainly not dull!
Okay, so Serious Music Journalists might decree that this song deserves not only a higher placing on this chart, but also for you to name your firstborn after Sam Smith and you to get the lyrics tattooed on your scrotum. Yes, it’s a great song. Yes, we’ve all been there. But no, we don’t need to be reminded of it in every shop/bus/club/man we enter. Give it a fucking rest, Sam, and have a wank next time.
Just about the only bit of Ellie we liked this year – you’ll have read our review of Outside, naturally – which is a shame. On the plus side, however, Halcyon is the 6th best selling album of the year, despite being released in 2012. Brilliant album, brilliant song, brilliant video, brilliant singer. More of this for album 3, plz bae xoxo
Not technically a ‘Single’ single but this trap/hip hop ditty is a brilliantly sarcastic pop anthem, AND it says ‘periods’ three times. Winner.
We could write about this song being the moment Little Mix went from being a tween-y pop group to a womanband but womanband sounds like a brand of tampons and we don’t need to talk about periods twice in one article, thank you very much. It’s a great song, which is a bonus, plus it lists a lot of different types of shoewear which, if you’re a shoe fetishist, is a must have. Bravo.
You might have noticed we’re quite big fans of RuPaul’s Drag Race here at PoC HQ. Season 6 was just a great thing to watch, and rising star Adore Delano showed us that there was more to being a drag star than singing some rather hysterical parodies (although Hole Pic deserves a special mention here). Her first album is great, and I Adore U is awesome.
Swift used to irritate the fucking shit out of us, with her godawful country-pop music that seemed to appeal to everyone and no one at the same time. We said ‘brimming with attitude, she’s clearly taking no prisoners nor taking life too seriously, which is incredibly refreshing’ back in September, and we stand by it. Well done, T-Swizzle.
Sweary Cheryl is just the fucking tits, isn’t she! Not only was it a record breaker – and it’s pretty cool to be able to break your own records now isn’t it – but it spawned a totally not-unlistenable Cahill remix which we just love.
Once again Serious Music Journalists might get a bit naffed off with our opinions but this song has been just about everywhere in the past 6 months so really, placing at #6 on our chart should just be the tiny cherry on a big ol’ Apple Pie, and Ella should just be grateful for that.
We KNOW we just said drag is more than just a few good parodies but this, AAA Girls, is a really novel take on both the ‘drag act parody’ and an advertising campaign, and anything that is a bit subversive gets a big tick from us.
This has been a weird year to be a Kylie fan. She normally manages to get several singles out, garner great reviews of her tour and manage to make us fall in love with her all over again – but, after Into The Blue only charted at #12, we began to feel it all fall apart. Of course, everyone’s allowed a dud album, but that’s really not the case here as Kiss Me Once is one of her strongest sets. We deemed Brian Cua’s remix a PoC Necessity, and we still love it.
Now, could we really have forgotten Ms RuPaul Charles?! We couldn’t have been more glad to see Sissy chart so highly in the States, ushering in a new chapter of drag stardom, led by none other than the Supermodel of the World herself. Bring on Season 7, we say!
Undecipherable mumbling, check. Infectious melody, check. This is just phenomenal – we’re sure it’s made both your nights out and stumbles (and fumbles) on the way home all that more wonderful, clutching chips in one hand and whathisname’s cock in the other, pretending it’s your very own lamp appendage. Perfect ❤
Now you may be thinking we’ve gone a bit loco at PoC HQ but we stand by this decision. Katy B is the diva we’ve all been waiting for, but it’s just a shame that no one was really paying attention to her to notice. She went from grungy chav club kid to a fierce pop diva, and even casually reformed the contemporary ballad along the way.
Crying is a true pop ballad, and is a great dance tune to boot – it had our heartstrings (yes, they exist) back in January and we were indignantly left waiting like the last night bus had gone in Trafalgar Square when it didn’t take over the world in the way Sam Smith did, which is just not fair. Stalling at #10, we’re just going to have to wait until her next album for the world to see what a great pop star she’s turning out to be.
Well, that’s been pretty much every decent song from the past 12 months. Now you may disagree, which you’re fully entitled to, but we’ve been blogging for a while now and we’re pretty sure we’re not wrong. What do you think of our chart? Did we miss something you loved this year? We’d love to hear from you, so drop us a comment on Facebook or tweet us (#holepics also welcome ;))
In our previous post, PoC MELTDOWN: Is 2014 the end of Pop Music as we know it?, we had a look at the multitude of ways in which, frankly, Pop Music is fucked if 2014 is anything to go by. Seriously, it was bloody miserable. I had to go and have a fag and shed a little tear after writing it.
But enough of that morbidity. I’ll be DAMNED if a few questionable releases from Beyonce (no but seriously, WTF), a complete absence of Rihanna (Can’t Remember to Forget You doesn’t count), and a seemingly retired Little Mix, are gonna get me down. That, plus I bought this motherfucking domain name for a year so I need to do something with it. ANYWAY we’ve put together this nice little list of things that our PoC icons might wanna do in order to avoid a PoC Crisis.
Let’s begin with an open wound:
RIGHT, Rihanna, I hope you’re happy with yourself, after you well and truly fucked with our heads. Q4 IS Riri season. It’s a trend that YOU fucking set, so if you’re gonna leave us expecting an album by default, and then you don’t deliver, then either:
a) We will immediately assume the worst and will make funeral arrangements, simultaneously devoting our livelihoods to hunting down Chris Brown.
b) You got some making up to do, gurrl.
‘Oh I… My Chris Brown ate it’.
Since Riri has been posting random snippets of shit on her Instagram, she’s obviously ok, and so whatever she’s releasing in 2015 BETTER BE GOOD. And since We Found Love is over 3 years old now, what better way to apologise to us than to release something of equal calibre? Just don’t do an Xtina and release this kind of dogshit, aight?
Ya’know, we get it. Queens love Disney, FINE. But Frozen? It was average. The songs may have been catchy to start with but anyone with a fucking personality was put off of them the instant they stepped foot on the clubbing scene, for fear of being associated with over-plucked, under-fucked twinks. It certainly didn’t deserve to remain in the charts ALL YEAR, and even the writers have begun apologising for it. The film told you to Let it Go, so FUCKING LET IT GO.
Since Instagram’s inception, we have all become morons when it comes to thinking we find something #inspirational, the new #picoftheday, or if we’ve woken up with wood and want to show off our #instagay #gay #gayuk #gaybottom #gaybtm #twink #gaycub #otter #single #bed #selfies. Well let me tell you: GET A FUCKING GRIP. All i’m saying is, you go around liking shit like this:
http://instagram.com/p/unSJ4gjvOX/
You really just encourage shit like this:
And WE want more good shit, like this:
We mentioned Beyonce and her questionable releases earlier on, but this is a matter of paramount importance. If Beyonce keeps releasing shit like 7/11 and Feeling Myself then we are gonna have a LOT of annoying, #flawless little queens running around.
We don’t care who’s pissed you off, B; we are prepared to forgive you – just snap the fuck out of it and go figure the fuck out please. We’ll accept nothing less than a Halo or Best Thing I Never Had 2.0 because you’ve deprived us of anthems lately.
WE WANT THIS.
NOT THIS.
Listen: it can be hard knowing how to deal with life when our PoC Icons turn their backs on us – but FOR FUCKS’ SAKE, control your fan-girling, it’s embarrassing, and you’re only creating problems. And here’s why:
Okay, Beyonce, Rihanna, Little Mix, et al, haven’t released something catchy in a while. There are ALWAYS people like Ariana Grande floating around – listen to them. Enjoy them. Support them as artists. Let. Them. Grow. We constantly bash Ariana on here, but the fact is she’s got a LOT of potential (and Love Me Harder isn’t bad at all). But by fan-girling over the most mediocre of songs she’s released, you’re not only getting her comfortable in her mediocrity, nursing an unhealthy ego, and probably stifling talent – you’re making Problem the stand-out song of 2014. Well fucking done.
Just because 2014 was a pretty wank year for PoC Approved bangerz, 2015 has a lot of promise – Little Mix will most likely be making a return, G.R.L. could potentially release more of this, Rihanna basically HAS to release something (we’ve already had snippets), Jennifer Hudson FINALLY seems to be embracing her inner dance-diva, and after Christmas, everyone will be so fucking fed up of Frozen songs on TV adverts that we might finally be shot of it all.
All we’re left hoping now, is that Beyonce successfully overcomes her midlife crisis, Taylor Swift’s instagram gets hacked and deleted, and Ariana Grande grows some balls, releases some stuff we can finally PoC Approve, and ditches that fucking vile little queen of a brother. Oh, and we’re also left hoping that the other half of Madonna’s new album isn’t a pile of shit because we had mixed feelings about the first half.
Happy Holidays, hunties!
2014 started depressingly. Sam Bailey, the ‘peoples’ champion’ of the X Factor, was knocked from Number 1 in the first official chart of the year – not completely unpredictable in fairness – to be replaced by Pharrell Williams’ Happy. Tell me, record-buying public, Are you HAPPY NOW?!
2014 has been quite bizarre for Pop music. Instead of hit after hit from our usual suspects dominating the charts (hi Rihanna, where the fuck are you?), we’ve been bombarded by one excruciatingly annoying song after the other – it began with Happy, although perhaps that didn’t seem the case at the time, and it continued with just about every fucking song from Frozen. Whatever your feelings towards Frozen & Happy, we’re left, two weeks away from 2015, scratching our heads and asking:
It’s an interesting question and we’ve done some pretty extensive recapping, and sure enough, we’re not going mad – some of them were just. not. there. Literally, Little Mix, are you okay? Lily Allen, where u gone bbe? Rihanna?! RIHANNA PLEASE SAVE US. That’s right – Even Q4 Queen, Rihanna, turned her back on us this year. We feel like naughty & unwanted little rescue pups, who’ve been dumped because they’ve unknowingly been disobedient strains on their masters.
SOME, however, HAVE been here right in front of us all along, releasing their standard schtick but just not performing well in the charts – and this poses a far more terrifying question: Did Pop Music, as we know it, die an agonizing death in 2014?
Did Pop Music as we know it die in 2014?!
Having released Prism in Q4 of 2013, and having that monolith of a hit, Roar (which set an example for lyric videos!) to create some hype, as well as a spot on the X Factor final to promote it, Katy Perry’s Prism should have done better. Granted, Birthday was a heap of shit, but This Is How We Do wasn’t – and that deserved far more than the little cult following it struggled to gather.
Ellie is a PoC monster; she’s got such a unique sound which has worked to her strength so much in the past – but frankly this did fuck all for her when she released Goodness Gracious, which SHOULD have been an anthem. Regardless, it debuted at 36. THIRTY SIX. And it only climbed to a weak 16.
Two heavyweight PoC Princesses teaming up together should command a FAR better chart performance than a debut at 11, followed by a 20-place drop in ONE WEEK, to a piss-poor 31. It was enough to make us lose faith in life all together and so we resorted to watching this on repeat.
Sophie Ellis-Bextor even released a little nugget (albeit a nugget of shit) back in February, and guess where it peaked? 34. I mean for goodness sake, who wants to live in a world where S-E-B gets eclipsed by Wiz-fucking-Khalifa?! NOT US. The only positive thing to come out of this paragraph is that the absolute TUNE, Crying For No Reason, debuted at a just-about-acceptable No. 5 (although we REALLY wanted to see this at No. 1).
In fact, the two most exciting things for Pop Music in 2014 were probably Lily Allen’s short-lived – but overall well-received – return, and the re-emergence of Ella Henderson, X Factor Startlet, and victim of the British Public. Even Ella managed to disappoint us though – she swooped right in with Ghost, won our cold black hearts, and then followed it up with tracks that eventually just blurred into the same thing. DAMNIT, ELLA!
…Oh, and lest we forget The Demise of The Saturdays.
STILL don’t believe us? Even One Direction have had a comparatively shit year – something we never would have guessed this time a year ago (at which time, we were hungover and watching This Is Us, which is a modern classic in hangover filmography by the way) – so shit in fact, that they practically had to go back on the X Factor (and awkwardly appear in shitloads of episodes behind the scenes too) to remind people they still exist.
It’s enough to make anyone depressed, and it’s no wonder people have resorted to fangirling over people who would usually be immediately dismissed as basic bitches. Like ARIANA. FUCKING. GRANDE.
The idea of Pop Music definitely seems to be undergoing some changes. Artists seem to be jumping ship pretty damn quickly and those who don’t, seem to end up fucked. Whilst Ellie Goulding, Katy Perry and Shakira have stayed true to their style, they’ve undeniably underperformed in the charts – compare that to Beyonce, who currently seems to be having some kind of midlife crisis and, after not getting much in the way of commercial success for Pretty Hurts, has begun doing horrendous rap-interjections for Nicki Mingeaj, and released that fucking awful 7/11. If she were to just release a track containing white noise, we could pen it down to artistic expression and wouldn’t have to go through the emotional trauma of not liking something she’s released.
Even new ‘pop’ acts such as 
Kiesza have roots in other genres – the ‘hot’ one right now being Deep House. Time will tell whether or not she, and other acts such as Clean Bandit, will last – but are we entering an era where you either have to switch it up completely every few months, or just become a disposable pop star? Has the concept of Pop moved from a primary, key market, to a tertiary by-product?
Still, things haven’t been completely fucked for us this year – we’ve had a lot of the injustices mentioned above, but between the onslaught of Fuse ODG, Frozen, and to an extent, Union J’s children’s birthday party music, Good ol’ Cheryl managed to bag TWO number ones, Nicole Scherzinger gave us Your Love, Sia released Chandelier, and Clean Bandit gave us Rather Be. The question is, is that enough though? Really?
In the end, it all comes down to this – we need our fabulous PoC icons back because, if not, who’ll bring us those fabulous little moments of fierceness? Pop just isn’t pop without a Beyonce facial expression, a Britney flick, and an Xtina pant.
Hold onto your faith in pop, hunties, because as Jesy says:
‘Don’t worry darlin! Things will sort themselves out!’
She definitely said that. That one time…
What do you guys think? Let us know either below, or on our Facebook page!
And KEEP AN EYE OUT, hunties – next week we’ll be posting a how-to-avoid-PoC-meltdown article so be sure to like us to receive important updates like this!
Last week, we brought you 8 underrated and underplayed festive oddities and pitted S Club Juniors against TLC.
SPOILER: S Club Juniors OBVIOUSLY won.
This week, we have 8 new tracks for you to peruse, and after we realised that all of our music was too shit to be on Spotify, we created a YouTube playlist for you instead!
(Last week’s can be found here)
To begin, feast your eyes and ears on Hotpantz.
We’d like to give Joe McElderry one for Christmas.
If that didn’t get you going, perhaps a young JT in front of a green screen will.
Now as you seasoned PoCsters will recall, the noughties brought with it the discovery of manufactured shit-pop, and this is one fabulously recycled ass-smasher that’ll leave you GAGGING, DOARLINGGG.
Okay, time to stop fucking around; WESTLIFE released this – and although it’s not really a Christmas song, it’s a Christmas Number 1 (and a tune). Also, it’s something your nan might appreciate at the Christmas Dinner table.
Right, now there’s no easy way of saying this: If you’re too young to remember Noel’s House Party on Saturday night prime-time TV (and are not willing to be educated) then look away now – even we’re having trouble figuring out what the fuck is going on in this. There’s some morphsuit-macarena action fused with expressive dance, and a lot of screaming kids being chased around by what looks like a butt-plug with genital warts. YAY, 90’s!
Let’s never talk about this again.
So if that was a distressing experience for you, we’d like to offer our humblest apologies – and what better way to do it than with Mariah Carey’s flagship xmas anthem (the original version, not the one where she fucked up at the Rockefeller Centre).
HEAD TO HEAD – WHO DID IT BETTER?!
So that leaves us with our second head to head!
In 2000, Kylie released her version of Santa Baby as a B-Side to Please Stay, which reached number 10. People loved it so much though, that she’s done loads of versions since – and in December 2010, she FINALLY released an aptly slutty video for it on YouTube.
Before that, though, in 1987, Madonna had covered Ertha Kitt’s uptempo version of the track, for charity album A Very Special Christmas.
WEEK 2 WINNER – KYLIE
It was a tough one to call (it’s 2 of our biggest PoC Divas, for fucks’ sake), but we feel Kylie deserves this one. The fact that she’s repeatedly stuck by it, and released a 10-year-anniversary slutty video for it, shows us that she’s determined to make a shitload of easy money from it she’s confident in its credibility as an important and iconic festive art form. It also helps though that Madonna’s version was just straight up weird – what the hell is with her voice?!
Of course, in the interest of being current and catering to the masses, Ariararanara Grande-thing released a version of Santa Baby last year, so we should probably include that in this competition – but obviously she’s an annoying cunt and so we won’t.
Be sure to keep your eyes peeled (and like us on Facebook!) for next week’s instalment of the PoC Guide to Christmas – and check out the Week 1 and Week 2 playlists on YouTube!
What do you think? Did the right PoC Icon win?! Vote and let us know!
It’s been a bit of a weird past couple of months for annoying pop songs – Cheryl decided to prick about with a garage band horn over the summer in Crazy Stupid Love, Jessie J, Ariana Grande & Nicki Minaj paraded around like cunts for Bang Bang, and lord only fucking knows what we did to deserve Anaconda from Nicki Minaj!! To be honest, it prompted us to ask: What the fucking fuck is happening to our Divas?!
We thought it was over. We thought ‘bad things come in threes, it’s safe now’. THEN, apparent new queen of the basic bitches, Meghan Trainor, came along in an apparent attempt to deliver a message which was fundamentally flawed, and had a shit backing track too – so of course, the British public stepped up and got it to Number 1.
The ‘song’ claims to push an agenda of appreciating someone’s figure – big or small – and does it whilst calling pretty much everyone else a ‘skinny bitch‘, announcing that she’s got ‘that boom boom that all the boys chase / And all the right junk in all the right places‘, before finally declaring that ‘Boys like a little more booty to hold at night. You know I won’t be no stick figure silicone Barbie doll‘.
Is she seriously trying to push for gender equality by singing about how she’s a better fuck than a ‘skinny bitch’?! Riiight…
We’d kept ourselves out of the matter because, as much as we LOVE being honest (which basically means controversial these days), let’s face it – we were on a social media drive. ANYWAY YouTuber and General hot guy, Bart Baker, has done a parody in which he confirms our thoughts exactly – and does so wearing a dress. Now let this be the end of this matter.
We’ve been raving on about this like Kerry Katona flogging Iceland ready-meals, but it’s FINALLY here! You little hunties snorted our last megamix RIGHT up – so much so, that it charted on Mixcloud’s global charts at 63! Not bad for two homos running a Facebook page! (Well a Facebook Page, a Twitter account, an Instagram page, a Pinterest board and a WordPress Blog, to be precise).
So anyway: we’ve spent the last two months since Megamix 1 bringing you the best remixes and camp classics, and have compiled them into an hour-long, Megamix 2 – So whether you’re drinking before a night out, having a house party, going for a run (yuck!), going to the gym (yuck!), doing the housework (yuck!), or wasting company time (yay!), it’s crammed full of fabulosity and it’s about damn time you had a listen, no?
Enjoy! And if you’d rather download it for later, it can be downloaded here.
Every DJ’s biggest fear is a track being released which is utter shit, but which for whatever reason, the general public gets a huge stiffy over, and it becomes that track that you have to play at all your gigs for the foreseeable future. This was the case with Jessie J ft. Ariana Grande & Nicki Minaj’s Bang Bang back in August, which was immediately pounced upon by the predictable flocks of over-plucked little faggots, and their irritating straight female companions that we’ve come to tolerate on the club scene.
Yup, it really was HORRIBLE. And here’s our original article about it if you fancy some class-A hate.
BUT FEAR NOT, because after Jessie’s (equally awful) performance of Bang Bang on the X-Factor on Sunday night, we scoured the net and found a remix of it that, we hate to admit, we quick like!
DJ & Producer, Eddie Mono, has managed to rectify this train crash of a track, adding a thumpy bassline, a nice buildup, and a fun chorus that you won’t feel like a complete prick singing along to – so by some kind of miracle, we are officially declaring this (REMIX) Poppers O’Clock Approved. As good as it (the REMIX) is though, we’re still not comfortable about having to go on for so long about these three basic bitches – so listen below and GTFO. Taraa, hunties!
So shoot me in the goddamn face already, it looks like Hell has frozen over.
Unnecessary Warbler Jessie J, Irritating as Fuck Nicki Minaj and, urm, Arinananrarna Grande thing person have ‘teamed up’ to work on a ‘banger’ called Bang Bang, and I wish somebody had bang banged the video shoot and blown the three fuckers up.
This is the lead single for Jessie J’s third album, and she’s recently said she wants to go and live in America where ‘people appreciate her more’. Get the fuck out then love. I can’t make out half of what she’s singing and by comparison the Arinananra thing cannot compete with Jessie’s belting. She sounds like the runt of a pack whimpering for life. And then Nicki turns up (in a helicopter, no less) and delivers the final shit onto this shit sandwich. The video reminds me of a vapid and over-filtered version of Can’t Hold Us Down, by a woman with balls bigger than these three combined – PoC Royalty Christina Aguilera. If you need a real anthem, check it out here.
Musically, I’m stumped. I don’t hear a chorus, apart from ‘Bang bang all over you’ – are they singing about squirting all over their partners’ faces? Is this song about asserting yourself as a woman? Is it about how much ketchup Jessie J wants on her chips? I JUST DO NOT KNOW.
I don’t hear how empowering this song is meant to be. I also find it strange that Ariana talks about being someone’s ‘bad girl’ – GURL. You are so squeaky clean it makes Hilary Duff look like a post-crack Whitney. Shut up, you know nothing. Nicki, to be fair to her, looks like she’s half arsed and you gotta give a girl credit for not hiding it when she just can’t be fucked. (For other evidence please see the single cover)
To be fair to them their hair looks nice at times so…
Poppers O'Clock 